Sweet Surrender
by astoria you lucky bitch
Summary: The small twinge in the back of my throat was nothing compared to the endless, uncontrollable ache that overshadowed everything else. Her. God, how I longed for her." What if Edward couldn't resist the temptation to come back and check on Bella?


_Sweet Surrender_

The forest had become a blur behind me. I found it hard to focus on the small herd of deer quickly gaining distance in front of my tired eyes. For a minute, I wasn't sure of which way I was going.

Then again, I wasn't sure of anything anymore.

Nothing has seemed clear now that—no. I couldn't say her name; just the idea of her, so warm, so sweet, hurt like hell.

I stopped my rapid pace and sank down onto a damp log, pinching the bridge of my nose between my thumb and forefinger. What was the use? It didn't matter—I had lost all contact with any human for weeks, and the small twinge in the back of my throat was nothing compared to the endless, uncontrollable ache that overshadowed everything else.

Her. God, how I longed for her.

I wasn't quite sure of how long I could live like this. I was less alive than I ever was before, which is fairly difficult to say, considering the fact that my heart hasn't beat in over ninety years. Just the thought of existing; existing, but not living, like this for the rest of eternity—an eternity without her—made my dead heart lurch.

Suddenly, without my permission, her face flooded into my empty mind. Her soft, ivory skin. Those warm, deep, brown eyes; so trusting, so…loving. Her long, luscious mahogany hair, always rich with the aroma of strawberries, made me smile slightly.

I had to see her.

The very idea of being with her again was a sort of sweet release, an escape from the hell I'd been living in the past five and a half months.

The small miracle left as quick as it came, and I was left wallowing in my misery once more. Maybe, I thought, if I could just see her—and have some reassurance that I had done some good for her after all—I would have the strength to carry on.

"No, damn it, no." I growled to myself. What was I thinking? I couldn't grant my selfish request. I had sworn to her and to myself that she would never see me again. The idea alone made my stomach twist. If I were to just drop into her now normal, happy world, I would surely ruin my entire attempt to give her a life without fear and danger shadowing her every step.

But still…

I shook my head with vigor, trying to rid myself of the idea. But it didn't disappear. It was far, far too tempting.

_Just for one hour_, I coaxed myself gently. _While she is still sleeping_.

Instantly I recalled all of the nights I stayed at her house. I would stay up for hours, just watching her breathe, slowly, peacefully, in and out, whispering my name all the while. The memory made me smile once again. No matter how many times I would try and talk myself out of it, I knew my stubborn mind was set. I would leave today—as soon as I hunted, of course—and arrive in Forks just before nightfall. I smiled softly again to myself— I had smiled more today than I had in any of the past months combined. Suddenly all of my worry and depression melted away, for I would be with my sweet angel soon.

As I emerged from the dense forest surrounding the Swan residence, the first thing I picked up through my sensitive ears was Bella's heartbeat. It made my own cold heart swell with pride that even after months of separation I could recognize it so easily. It was different though; weaker, quieter than I remembered. It confused me. I didn't dwell on that minute detail for too long, however; I was too preoccupied in trying to suppress the anxiety quelling inside of me.

As I sneaked around to the side of the house, right below Bella's open window, another thing hit me, this time like a ton of bricks—not that hitting me with bricks would do much damage. It was the rich scent of her blood. It was so strong and alluring; it threw me off for a moment. The aroma was much, much more delicious and sweet than I had recalled. I breathed in deeply. Mmm, freesia…

I clenched my teeth and shook my head, trying to ignore the monster threatening to unleash itself.

The way up to Bella's room was still routine; etched in my mind after so many nights of being with her while she slept. _Up the terrace, across the ledge, through the window_, I reminded myself mentally. I slipped soundlessly through the opened window, and landed softly on the hardwood floor.

I circled the room slowly, everything coming back to me all at once. The rocking chair where I watched her sleep. Her old, slow, computer where she would write to Renee. Finally, my eyes wandered to the bed.

And there she was.

Curled up on her side, sound asleep, was my sweet, sweet Bella. I barely suppressed a cry of joy and utter relief. Being here with her again, just like before, felt…right. For the first time in months, I was at peace.

But that feeling only lasted until I really looked at her, and realized something was wrong.

Her usually glowing ivory skin was pale and sickly, with dark shadows that rested underneath her eyes; the kind that resulted from the lack of a good rest. But there was more than just the physical demeanor; there was a deeper unhappiness that went beyond her sallow cheekbones. She looked…empty.

And it confused me.

What could cause such unrest in her? School was never a strain for Bella. Could something be wrong with Charlie? I sifted through his thoughts quickly, finding no evidence of any inner upset. I thought harder. Maybe she had picked up an extracurricular activity, like a sport. I fought back the urge to laugh out loud. Out of all of Bella's wonderful qualities, coordination was never one of them.

I looked at her again, relying on my exceptional eyesight to give me some sort of hint as to what was going on.

After a few silent minutes spent in deep concentration, I figured that my attempts were in vain. I let out a deep, frustrated sigh and sank into the old rocking chair, which creaked under the unexpected weight.

My sudden noise had caused Bella to stir. I tensed, waiting to spring through the window if necessary. But she never woke. Instead she turned over, this time facing the wall, and was in no time peacefully asleep. She let out a small, weak moan.

I felt a small pang in my still heart when I heard her voice—so lovely and sweet, even in her sleep. It was almost musical. I sank farther back in the chair, drinking in her presence. And I stayed there for the next two-and-a-half hours.

That was when the screaming started.

Her dreams seemed to take a rapid change in direction. Her spine stiffened, and she let out a bloodcurdling shriek.

What was happening?

I wanted so desperately to be at her side, to hold her and to solace her. But the thing that tore me apart was that I couldn't— that I could only watch her writhe in agony while I waited helplessly.

"_EDWARD!"_ Bella screamed. I froze. From the other room, I heard Charlie's snores stutter. I was relieved. I couldn't help, yet Charlie could. His thoughts rang through my ears, as clear as ever, even though he was half asleep.

_Not again. Poor Bells. _

Again? I kept listening.

_Will she ever get over him? It breaks my heart to see her try so hard to seem okay. How can she still love him so much after what he did to her? Leaving her hanging like that, with no warning…the cruel, sick bastard. I swear, if I ever see him again, I'll make him wish he weren't alive. _

As soon as I heard his rant, I could have sworn that my cold heart shattered into a million pieces. At least, that was what it felt like. So my attempts were in vain after all. Why does it seem that everything I do to help her ends up hurting her more? Could I be any more arrogant?

If it were possible, I hated myself even more than I had before I left her.

Despite all of my overwhelming grief, a small part of me was relieved; almost ecstatic. She still loves me. It was unthinkable, because it was impossible.

At this point, Bella had turned over in her bed violently and used her pillow to muffle her screams. She thrashed around quietly with her inner turmoil. I wasn't sure how much more of this I could take. Yet I couldn't leave her; not in her time of need.

Without noticing, I was by her side. She was so close, I felt the overwhelming need to reach out and touch her; give her comfort of some manner.

I didn't even try to fight it this time. Soon my fingers were in her hair, my lips at her ear, whispering soothing words.

Bella stiffened beside me.

My mind soon caught up with my actions and I froze. My cover was blown. I had to leave, and fast.

I made a split-second decision and jumped in her closet, just as she sat up in her bed. Thankfully Bella had left her closet open before she went to sleep, granting me a view of her lovely face.

"E-Edward?" she stammered. Her voice was shaky and breathless from her episode. It may have been conjured from my slightly delirious and twisted mind, but I also detected the small undertone of hope coloring her voice. "Is that you?"

Her voice was nearly a whisper now, floating in the air surrounding us until it was smothered by another sound. Soft, quiet sobs emitted from Bella's mouth. Though barely audible to human ears, they were overflowing with some unfathomable anguish.

The sound broke my heart. She sounded so…defeated.

And it was all my fault.

I waited until her sobs died down to emerge from my hiding place. I paused at the foot of her bed, staring deeply at her for a brief moment. Then, as abruptly as I had come, I turned on my heel and headed towards the window, each step causing more turmoil. It amazed me how much I was feeling at one time, guilt overpowering everything else.

As I inched towards the door, the tangible mien of departure was ripping away at me inside. As my fingers grasped the edge of the windowsill, I heard Bella's quiet voice, stopping me dead in my tracks.

"I still love you." The words were barely spoken, but they rang through me loud and clear. I turned to where Bella lay, now fast asleep in her bed. "No matter what you said to me."

I was too stunned to move. Despite all I put her through, despite the sadist I was, she loved me. She always had.

My trance was broken by another sound coming from her bed.

"Please come back, Edward." Her frail voice broke on the last word, driving me over the edge.

I was suddenly on the ground, without understanding how I got there. My body was curled into a tight ball, with my arms desperately grabbing at my abdomen, trying to end the anguish that was so firmly determined to finish me off. I was shaking all over, and there was no stopping the dry sobs that fought their way out of my mouth.

Suddenly a cool pair of tiny arms surrounded me and hugged me close. I turned my head ever so slightly to the side, only to find a pair of coal black eyes meeting my gaze.

Alice.

_I saw what happened and got on a plane to Forks as fast as I could. I'm so sorry. But Edward, don't tell me you expected her to move on just like that. We all know her better than that. I know you know _yourself_ better then that._

I was still unable to answer, so I gave a brief nod.

_Come on. Jasper is waiting outside in the car. _

Of course they had stolen a car for the occasion. But it reminded me.

"How did you get here, Alice?" I questioned in a voice too low for Bella to hear.

_I just told you. I took a plane, and then, of course, we needed a car so—_

"I know, Alice. What I meant was, how did you get in here, in Bella's house?"

_Through the window, Edward. Didn't you open it to get in yourself?_

In fact, I hadn't. I wondered why Bella had kept her window open on a night like tonight. It brought back painful memories of when I visited her at night while she slept.

I felt as if I was missing something; something completely obvious.

Then it hit me.

I felt as if I were having an out-of-body experience. I was vaguely aware of myself on the ground, and a strange kind of groan. Where was it coming from? I had to be half-dragged from the house by Alice, for I could no longer feel my legs.

All because of the window.

She had left it open for me, as some small shred of hope that I would return.

What had I done?


End file.
